of winter moon
The sky is bright.
Back to the normal world.
I am warming.
The chill dissipates.
After the dream ended,
the effects lingered.
It haunted me throughout the day.
The first few steps
back into light were hard to take. It was difficult to keep my balance.
After being in the dark for so long, the bright was disorienting. I found
myself in a familiar place, though many things had changed. I walked
through the grassy fields on my way towards a flowing river, itís blades
felt like knives to me. I was accustomed to the moonís smooth, cold
surfaces. Numerous rocks and sticks littered the path ahead. As my eyes
cleared and adjusted, I was surprised by the things in summer I had
missed. Each green leaf on every tree felt vibrant and alive in a way I
had never noticed, or more precisely overlooked in the past. Even though
it lasted many years, my long journey through the distant winter moon felt
shorter than I had anticipated. Back on the ground, diving back into
reality was a slow process. Sometimes, an hour felt like a decade. As I
walked, I realized that I missed out on a lot of things. On winter moon,
despite my loneliness, I felt in command of a world that didnít exist.
It was safe, unchanging, cold but predictable. Now, I find myself lost in
a world where endless possibilities and opportunities await. Feeling the
sun on my head was an unfamiliar sensation. With each step, I grow a bit
more confident. A sense of peace begins to swell. I realize I donít have
to spend the rest of my life in tears on my knees. This helps me gain some
traction, but I hesitate. A palpable sense of loss remained, thereís a
binding shadow I canít seem to escape no matter how bright and sunlit
the world appears. I thought about a lot of things over the past few
years. I have no greater answers than anyone else. In some ways, I feel
more confused than I ever have. Some things happened that I just canít
seem to understand. Coping with these realities can be a difficult ordeal
As I walked through
the sunlight, under the trees, I reflect on all that has gone on in the
past few years. I wonder how one can glide through life so easily while
another seems to feel blocked, denied and punished at every step. God only
promises perfection in the next world. This is a promise he makes to the
faithful, a reward if they are patient and stay on the good path. Itís
also implied that the good path and the easy path arenít always the same
thing. This thought brings me some consolation, but not much at the
moment. Thereís another promise that heíll wipe away all the tears one
day. Itís another small thought Iíve tried to internalize, another
small attempt to understand the inexplicable. At this point, the tears
seemed to have dried up completely, but the pain still follows every step.
itís very hard to explain. God promises that heíll carry you through
the bad times, when you feel youíre alone. He says youíll one day
understand, that youíll see that his second set of footsteps are only
visible on reflection, looking back. I looked down at my feet and wondered
if there was always someone walking beside me, even when I didnít
recognize it or didnít want company. I wondered if there was someone
walking this very path with me. Was there someone present, with me at this
very moment. I tried to remember these simple ideas, and maintain my faith
as dark as it seems to get for me sometimes.
These simple things, acts of faith, help me keep going through, not
easily. The more complex ideas flow into one another, creating impossible
contradictions that can never be reconciled. Iíve given up trying to
explain and rationalize a lot of things. Perhaps, there are things in this
world and beyond a mere human will never be able to understand about our
brief, transient existence. These thoughts wash over me as I walk towards
the sound of the gently flowing water in the distance, unsure of what is
drawing me towards it.
Through an escape
through fantasy and a return trip to reality, my reflection hasnít
really changed. Iíve tried to look away, repulsed by the monster I see,
but there can be no escaping this reality. There are things about me that
I know would horrify you if you knew the truth. I have been running from
this for so long, it has nearly been completely hidden. On the surface,
nothing looks amiss. The water is calm, not a ripple over its waves,
flowing slowly and surely through time. A peaceful river, if you can
imagine, gradually expanding over its banks until it covers a vast
surface. The current gradually expanding, covering the dirty mud, fallen
tree trucks, stumps, sharp rocks and glass shards flawlessly. Anyone
unlucky enough to wade in will also face an unpleasant shock of reality.
Lurking underneath, carefully hidden deep underneath the darkest cavern,
an old malignancy remains. Quietly, ever so patiently waiting, marking the
perfect time Ė for its moment to strike.
As I walk toward the
river, an unsettling reflection appeared in the waves. The ripples diffuse
its ugliness, leaving a vaguely outlined echo of the person I used to
recognize. I wonder why I donít feel any connection towards it. This
threw me off, and a sudden jolt of recognition brought me back to similar
moment on the moon when I walked over a frozen pond and saw a face. That
time, it wasnít me, but that of the mysterious woman. As this came back
to me, a slight breeze began to blow. At first, I thought it was just
another manifestation of the dream, an echo where the monster I was
running from was reminding me that my number was coming up. However, as my
perception began to work again and render the world beyond myself, I found
myself facing an external monster, something potentially more dangerous.
This was the biggest threat to my hard-won return to reality. My eyes
didnít see them at first. As the water flowed through the river, the
reassuring order began to splinter under an approaching army with
malicious intent in their eyes.
I could hear voices
from the distance, piercing the silence. They werenít kind voices. They
were angry, ugly, unhappy, greedy and selfish. At first it was a low
rumble, but they began to take over the peaceful place. As they grew
closer, I recognized them. Repetitive and repulsive, they repeated the
same narcissistic message Ė they mattered, no one else. Nothing could
get in their way or change their path. They unleashed a storm of
themselves through the trees. The warmth I felt increased until it became
sultry, unbearably infused with their sweat. They left as quickly as they
came, but their anger left a bitter searing heat over the land. Steam
still rose and I could see them going around in circles, again and again.
I could see they went to the same places, with the same anger over and
over. I knew this place wouldnít be safe for long. The invaders would
soon return, and I needed to move on before their next attack took place.
As I left the peaceful area that I had found, and seen over-run
unexpectedly, the over-bearing sunlight seemed to become more oppressive
with each step. I felt alone here, there were no allies to be found.
Everyone I saw marching around thoughtlessly through the mud and
dirt seemed ugly, vile, monstrous and selfish. Ever more so the closer
they came to me, as I could see the way the clenched their jaws, waved
their first and marched heedlessly through the bright forest and to the
river I had found. They walked through it without looking where they were
going, what they were doing. Many had no reason to be there, and probably
had little though as to why. I was climbing, moving upwards inexorably.
Finally, I came to an elevated formation far above the river. I watched
the monsters circle around the again and again. After yet another futile
attack, wreaking havoc over the same grounds, they barraged through the
They were screaming at
the world, attempting to unsettle everything from the skies above their
heads to the ditches under their stomping feet. Their rage created a
disruptive force throughout and I wanted to know what they were so angry
about. However, I didnít want to be in their way since I had no idea
what would happen if anyone got in their way. I didnít feel like bring
pushed or trampled, becoming another silent object for their abuse. I hid
behind an array of trees and waited for them to come closer. I began to
hear their voices once again, amplified by their footsteps, which created
a gasping, gnawing growl that overwhelmed everything. The quiet flowing
river was supplanted by their violent battle. They drew closer to my
position, and their words became louder which each step. I struggled to
hear what they were arguing about with each other, but the syllables
clashed with themselves, creating a vacuum of noise where nothing
intelligible could be determined.
verbal battles seemed quite important to those marching seemingly in
tandem, and yet simultaneously against one another. I watched them scream
and argue, moving towards some unknown destination. Trying not to attract
their attention, I looked at them closer. Their faces contorted in strange
configurations, jaws opening wider and wider until they stopped talking
and began to shout. Their screams had little effect on their victims, and
instead unleashed an opposing reaction. The louder their arguments, the
more firmly those receiving stood their ground, marching faster and
pounding each foot into the ground deeper and more petulantly than before.
Their insolent defiance against each other seemed to have been the result
the self-destructive tethers which bound them together. This provoked
deeper resentments, angrier words and ever faster movements. Imprisoned
inside each otherís angry words, they found themselves in an
ever-repeating brutal cascade, a self-absorbed echo chamber surrounding
their every word. In a desperate attempt to escape, they found themselves
yelling ever louder, moving always faster in an attempt to break their
intractable cycle. I watched them, their skin flush with the bitterness
and anger, attempting to douse a fire they couldnít control. Their
specific words and phrases became less important they louder they
screamed, undermining their efforts to communicate with one another. As
they came closer, their voices blended and the result was a blind,
screeching noise, deafening in volume.
It seemed like none of
them could break free, but as I observed them, a different truth began to
emerge. They squandered their lives with anger and rage. It pulsed through
their bodies and made them appear withered, tired and, sick. Their eyes
sank into their faces, squinting and shooting around, in a permanent state
of panicked anger, destroying their spark making them soulless.
Apparently, their battle involved a sick competition to see who could be
the ugliest, the meanest, fastest. They transferred their anger onto
others, squealing and sneering at anything that had the misfortune of
emerging in their gaze. Nothing was immune from their seething contempt.
This group of angry, distasteful figures acted collectively. The fed on
each otherís anger, reinforced their rage, ran through the world without
heed. They resembled reckless, uncontrolled animals, scratching and eating
any tree they could find, leaving only small stumps behind them.
Impervious to the consequences of their actions, they went along sniping
and pushing one another, oblivious to the world outside themselves. They
selfishly ravaged anything and everything in their path. They didnít use
chainsaws, their teeth were nearly as sharp. Through their misplaced
anger, empty rage, cold words and screams, they proved in their combined
actions they very things they denied existed within them.
trapped within their constrained views, they busied themselves arguing
with each other to the point that they could not see any face but their
enemy. Targeting, blaming, eviscerating, raging, however you say it, their
purpose in life had warped to become the complete emotional destruction of
others. It was a sad spectacle, to see such a beautiful day surrounding
them. The attackers succumbed to their own deception and clung to each
other like parasites. Feeding off each other, they had no way to escape
each other. Unable to function individually, they instead moved together
reinforcing their shared sickness as they plowed through the river banks.
Marching together, they had their fingers permanently pointed at someone
else, unable to see the poison left in their wake. I desperately tried to
understand what they were saying, but the closer they came, the more
unsettling it became. After a few minutes standing there overwhelmed by
their conversation, I decided it would be better not to let myself be
sucked in. They seemed to be permanently angry, which made their screams
all the more repugnant. I watched their curled up fingers, strained necks
and unnatural footsteps. As they once again left, under the blistering
heat, it was relief that I only had to deal with the aftermath. Despite
hiding in a safe spot from a distance, my ears were ringing I didnít
want to make things worse. Slowly but surely, the chaotic wall of
malicious thought and anger began to move away from the river, and they
seemed to satisfied in their complete digestion of their surroundings.
They seemed completely unable to recognize what they missed Ė what was
staring at them in the face. They missed what really mattered, they were
completely blind. So enamored of destroying themselves, they couldnít
see the shadows they cast under the bright glow of the early morning sun.
I watched them and decided to get myself out of their path. These
unconscious parasites continued to scream as if they were monsters,
repeating each otherís vile words, adding a few more to make their anger
even louder. It was a trapped that seemed to be very easy to fall into,
but nearly impossible to escape. If there was anything I had learned
during my years asleep on the winter moon, something she had told me again
and again, was to stay true to myself. No matter how loudly the words
surrounding you were. No matter how nasty the cuts from their sharp teeth
were, they would never last as long as standing alone. After watching the
consequences of ignoring her advice, I began to wonder if my trips to her
world werenít as wasteful as I had assumed when I had awakened earlier
that morning. The worst thing
was, I thought this was a lesson I had learned, and understood. Iíd
forgotten, then remembered, but it was too late. I stood nervously under
the trees, overlooking the damaged river and wondered why I had to return
here. Everything that was good was destroyed here eventually, and the
ugliness permeated so much, I longed for the cold, unchanging moon. It was
a devastating moment. It was a cold realization Ė I was certain that I
would never return.
dream was over and it was time to face reality. What was the purpose of
sacrificing my dreams? It didnít seem like there was one. Now I was
completely alone in the world where I was born but didnít belong.
Anything I learned from her was probably wrong, incidental to my survival
in this world. I thought that
time had run out. My feet were firmly planted on this planet once again.
Despite filing my protests with God, the facts I wanted to switch
couldnít be changed. I would just survive in this world, scraping along
and trying to avoid becoming entranced by its false promise, falling prey
to its perils. This encounter with reality was overwhelming, filled with
noise, heat and rage. All I had witnessed made me feel drained and
exhausted. I decided to take a rest under one of the few large trees left
standing, its shade gave me shelter. I began to relax, my ears stopped
ringing and the tension inside of me slowly dissolved. I knelt, said my
prayers and took a deep breath. I felt an unexpectedly cool breeze begin
to blow and I sat under its large, leaves. I heard them rustling as my
eyes closed. Before I knew what was happening, I had fallen asleep.
(Continue to chapter 3)