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A Sense of Belonging
After our previous
meeting, not everything that happened made sense to me, and I felt a little
bit lost afterwards. It was a bit disorienting for me, which wasn’t usually
the case. Several days went by where I think I walked around in a haze
oblivious to the world around me. The holidays were quickly approaching and
I felt like I was falling behind the rest of the world.
I spent much of the time trying to catch up to what I had missed, but
I didn’t think I missed much important. I felt a little bit lost when I came
back into the world. I still felt alone in the world but my perspective on
this changed during our previous meeting. I couldn’t explain how but it had
given me a renewed energy and purpose. It had clarified some important
things, and answered a few of my questions in ways I couldn’t explain yet.
There were also some things I didn’t really understand. I still didn’t know
exactly who she was and I had no idea why she was interested in me. I still
had many things I didn’t know, but there was enough to keep motivated going
forward. I finally had some idea what I was searching for. In many ways, I
remained under the spell of that night, with its circling birds and her
reassuring presence giving me a renewed spirit. I spent a great deal of time
walking around in the ensuing weeks. In many ways, I was trying to get back
to that world and its pleasures, though I didn’t know precisely how to find
my way back. It was getting colder and darker with almost every day. This
curtailed my explorations and I didn’t seem to have the same desire to
explore things that I had during the summer.
There were also some practical considerations holding me back from my
explorations. As winter gradually overtook autumn, the scattered icy patches
became to feel almost permanent. This made it more difficult to travel on
the streets, though I was getting better at avoiding them. I’d take the long
way back from school, walking through the streets deliberately on the
snowier side that hadn’t been melted by the mid-day sun. The air was colder
than I remembered winter being, and at first, it seemed relentless. I slowly
became more accustomed to it and my tolerance built up gradually. When I
walked around, I was always aware of the birds in the sky and I wondered
whether they were members of the same flock. I wondered if they remembered
us, and what they thought of this odd couple who met up there sporadically.
It was an isolated place in many ways, but we needed our distance from the
world, and I knew any attempts we would make to blend in wouldn’t be
successful. When the birds surrounded us, it felt like they were both
protecting and confining us. I still didn’t understand why they had encamped
there so suddenly, and why they felt the need to protect us. I knew she had
a connection to their arrival but didn’t know what her motivation could have
been.
I hadn’t actually seen her in a few weeks and as the holidays arrived late
that year, I was distracted by the usual glut of things that usually
over-took that time of the year, I allowed myself to get washed into this
for a little while, enchanted by the season’s sparkling promotions and its
accompanying admonitions. In the public sphere, I was still a normal little
kid. I tried to act the part as best I could but, I don’t think I was
entirely convincing. When I’d find myself walking alone, I was free and
didn’t have the same pressure. I avoided walking past the homes of people
who knew me, and I wanted to have some place of my own. As the nights grew
longer and colder, my trips to our place seemed to became increasingly
sporadic. It was too cold for me to sit there for hours, waiting for someone
who didn’t show up often. The winter took as much as it gave. The increased
solitude in the world was welcome, but my ability to completely escape it
seemed to have been lost in the process. She was always present somewhere in
the back of my mind, but many days still felt empty without her around.
I looked forward to our meetings but the other days when she wasn’t around
seemed to be less important in comparison. Since she never seemed to show up
on a consistent schedule, I could never really time my emotions. Despite
this, she had given me some important clues, which I held onto in my quiet
way. Reaching the end of the year also felt like a victory in some ways. I
sat through another year of seemingly endless classes and survived the
constant pressure with my spirit somewhat renewed. I felt a bit stronger in
some ways, but also a little more removed from the world. Despite having a
sense a greater world, I still felt like I didn’t really fit in, especially
with kids my own age. This was something I was having a hard time putting
together, and deep down, I needed those long walks to stay focused and keep
myself on the right path. Distractions were plentiful in those days, and I
had to find a way to keep them at bay.
Walking through the streets as winter strengthened its icy hold, I
cautiously approached our hiding place once again. As I got closer, I looked
around and saw that there was no one around. The streets felt quiet and
deserted, and I felt like I was alone all over again. With each step closer,
the worries that consumed my days became increasingly distant, disappearing
behind my shoulder. It was replaced by a feeling of anticipation, even
though I knew there was a chance she wouldn’t be there, the protection of
the forest and its tall trees would be welcome, even if I ended up exploring
it alone. I approached the path way and found the hidden entrance, once
again ducking underneath the trees and behind the bushes, looking for the
way back up. I saw the familiar steps and walked up them slowly, and
carefully. Covered by ice and branches, they weren’t as inviting as they had
been during the summer. There was no guard-rail or anything to protect me
from falling, so I had to be very careful in my movements.
I made my way up the steps and finally reached the top of the hill, with its
solid ground and flat surface welcoming me once again. It seemed strangely
quiet up there, as if it too had gone into extended hibernation along with
the rest of the world. I looked around and everything seemed unchanged aside
from the layers of ice and snow. I walked towards the edge of the mountain
and looked over the cliff. I could see the ground below covered in deep
layers of snow that obscured its secrets, covering its mysteries from the
world. I looked around in the snow and saw no other signs that anyone had
been there. There were no foot-prints aside from my own and nothing seemed
disturbed. I looked up at the trees and saw that their ice-covered branches
were slowly caressing a very light wind. They were tightly-knotted together
in tight patterns, making them appear intertwined inside one another,
protecting the ground below from winter’s harshest winds and cold. As I
looked at them, I wasn’t able to find a trace of any of the birds I’d seen
during our last visit. They seemed to have vanished as quickly as they
appeared, leaving without a trace. It was a bit disorienting to be up there
all alone but I felt more secure than I had in weeks.
The afternoon sun was still bright and I walked around for a little while,
allowing myself to enjoy the unobstructed views of the ocean and town
unfolding below. I felt the wind picking up a little bit but the cold didn’t
really permeate my body and it felt refreshing and not at all like it could
have. I looked around and couldn’t find any signs that anyone else had been
there, though I tried. It didn’t upset me though, since I knew that was the
best way to do things. Slowly, I began to walk towards the other side of the
clearing, and walked by the where the hidden path had been. I tried to walk
closer, only to find its entrance blocked by a massive drift of snow. I
wanted to go back there and find her but I knew she probably wouldn’t show
up in the same place again. I walked around some more and as the wind picked
up, I could hear the branches begin to rustle above me. A few clutches of
snow dropped down around my feet but not enough to feel dangerous. I walked
closer to the trees on the other side of the mountain, the snow got a little
bit deeper and my feet were completely submerged underneath the drifts. My
steps became a little more difficult. I became more deliberate in my
movements, but I was still eager to explore and look around. I knew there
was something up there that I needed to see.
I looked around and saw the bench where we read the book and decided to sit
there for awhile. I cleared it off and took a rest on it, watching and
waiting. I closed my eyes for a moment and felt the wind on my face, fully
allowing myself to feel the cold seep into my body. It seemed to take effect
and I felt a distinct chill flowing through me. It was a relaxing sensation
and gave me a sense of tranquility that I needed to have. I sat there adrift
for a few minutes and when I opened my eyes, things seemed to have changed.
The skies were a little bit darker and the winds had strengthened. This made
me feel more isolated and alone and I felt I was only going deeper inside
this place. I got up and walked around again. The stretches of tall grass
that had been there in the summer and fall had receded and as I walked over
the surface, it felt uneven, almost rocky. The now-barren ground revealed
new patterns that I hadn’t seen before. I looked around and walked carefully
towards the other side of the clearing. It didn’t seem like the other
sections. I decided to look closer and this led me on towards a different
path than I had walked before.
Continue to Part 2
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