She didn’t say anything for quite some time, but she didn’t need to. After all those months of waiting to see her again, it was as if no time had passed. I didn’t expect to see her that day, or any other day. It had become a long search, one that I hadn’t really contemplated ending. Suddenly, we had another moment together but this time was different. I had felt so isolated, so strange for continuing to obsess over our secret moments, that I though it wouldn’t ever happen again. I thought that maybe I was trying too hard, and imagining that she was there. There were no other cars on the hill at that moment, and it seemed like all the houses were vacant. We shared the space, and I stopped walking down the path. Once again, we were together alone, standing on opposite sides of the street. This also created an emotional distance between us that I didn’t expect. I thought it was a bit odd that she would stand so far away. My immediate thought was to go and walk over to her and try and get closer, but something held me back from running across the street. I knew she wanted to see me, and I wanted to see her, but there was something that maybe I had done wrong. As I looked over towards her, she seemed a little annoyed with me. At first I couldn’t understand why but it slowly came to me. She wasn’t angry that I was skipping school, since she knew how difficult it was for me. Instead, something else entirely seemed to be bothering her.

I had found and carried the package she left for me under the trees that night, I hadn’t actually opened it up. Instinctively, I knew what was inside, but this wasn’t the same – it had been sitting there untouched for nearly a month. I think she felt a little bit insulted by this. I think she knew because she could look right through me and see exactly what was happening. She had probably spent a lot of time on making or creating something especially for me, only to see it hidden underneath something else, unopened. Thinking back, I probably should have been more appreciative of her and I felt bad that I was acted like I was ashamed of it, and of her. This wasn’t the case at all, and I tried to convey this to her, that my motivations were to keep this between us, it was our secret. As I looked at her standing there, she didn’t move much closer to me, I think she wanted to stay a bit away this time. I knew I had to stand on my own feet and she wouldn’t always be there, but she could help guide me once in awhile. I stood there and looked at her, but I felt a strange sense of shame at having let her down. I was embarrassed and looked away for a moment. When I looked back, she was gone once again. I knew she probably would have stayed longer, but she probably didn’t want me to get caught aimlessly wandering around, gazing into space once again.

I sat there for a few minutes, her appearance and vanishing seemed to happen in an instant. Despite how brief it had been, she once again pointed me towards the right path. I stood there for a moment, memorizing the place where she’d been moments before. I turned my head around and looked up at the bright sunshine becoming stronger with each minute. The glaze of ice was becoming a sea of puddles and my feet were becoming saturated and numb. I knew I couldn’t stay out in the cold for much longer. I began walking down the hill and my descent was much faster than it had been in the morning. My frozen feet began to hurt and I was relieved to find myself quickly getting closer to home. It seemed to take less effort and there was a determination in my steps. There were some tricky spots to navigate, but they didn’t seem to impede my progress. It took me only a few minutes to reach the back door of my house, where I unlocked the door and went inside. It was empty and I had it all to myself. I knew what I needed to do. I had the good timing to skip school during the middle of the week. No one would be home for a few hours, which left me alone all by myself for a change. Noticing that the lights were still on in my bedroom, I might have left myself a bit of a beacon. I left the rest of the house dark and went upstairs. I slowly closed and locked the door behind me and took the box out from its hiding place. When I opened it up, I was surprised by what I found.

The package was far more elaborate than I thought it would be. The first thing I saw when I opened the lid was the beautiful fabric of a black dress with small polka dots. It was just like the one she wore during our encounters, It felt like silk and was and vibrant and felt brand new. As I pulled it out of the box, something unexpected occurred to me. It wasn’t just a toy, as I initially assumed. It was smaller but still had a familiar spirit. I put it on my bed and looked at the other items inside the box that went along with it. I looked at its contents for several minutes not knowing what to do. It seemed strange that she would give me something in such a small size. Then I looked underneath it and found a small doll that resembled her almost exactly. I knew there would be something of hers in the box, but this seemed like a strange choice. I wondered what she was thinking. I pulled out the rest of the things from the box and it suddenly made sense. With the accessories inside, there was a complete set. Suddenly, I could see her again. She looked a bit smaller perhaps, but almost a perfect reflection of the mysterious woman who was visiting me. After months of wondering when I would see her again, the solution was right in front of me.

As I stood there with the doll in my hand, much of the stress and anxiety I felt began to vanish, I was finally free of the burdens that were holding me down. I wasn’t the same person, I could finally be someone else. It was a moment of liberation, a freedom where my life was in my own hands. I stood there for a few more minutes and wondered how she was able to pull this off. While I’d received other gifts, none of them really meant as much to me. This was different, it was like someone knew I needed to escape, and gave me the tools and permission to do so. It was a strange feeling, Inexplicably, reality was transformed and I was finally able to escape my burdens, even if only for a little while. I felt a new freedom to be someone else, and I had almost the entire day to do exactly what I wanted. I didn’t have to answer any questions, or pretend to be someone I wasn’t. I didn’t have to hide her from anyone else. I was completely alone with her and could do what I wanted. None of the thousand little things that constantly bothered me mattered in that moment. Their voices and demands evaporated as I stood there looking at the doll. For now, I wasn’t going to have any of them pressuring me.

I took it in my hand, clasping it tightly. I walked downstairs into the living room and put it on top of the TV. I plugged in my Atari VCS and carefully hooked it up. We watched as the opening rounds of Yars’ Revenge unfolded on the screen. I wasn’t entirely sure this was such a good idea, since I didn’t want to be found in this state. So I timed a few games and went onward to the various levels, attacking the giant space ship at the right of the screen. It got more difficult as I went along, with its borders changing shape, then moving around the screen and more. Still, as each round ended with a massive explosion, my satisfaction grew with each victory. I played for a few minutes and then decided that it was time for another game. I thought about it for a few minutes and honed in on Defender. It wasn’t quite elaborate as the arcade game, but it was close enough. It had been my game the previous summer, and I was in the middle of going after the high score on the day when we first met. It seemed an appropriate tribute, given my circumstances. It didn’t really have the same level of challenge or complexity as the arcade game, but it was still close enough in spirit. The controls were much simpler and I didn’t have to worry about all those buttons. It was still entrancing, but in a different way, kind of the smaller version of the real deal. I played it for maybe an hour and then I began to get worried. It was getting late, and there was an increasing chance that someone would notice that I was missing school. While I had fun with my games, I knew that I didn’t have forever to play with them.